Oh Mickey, You’re So Fine

sit patiently on the patio, waiting for Mickey Mouse to descend from his “Club House”. His latest squeeze, a busty, lively young millennial who calls herself Minerva in the company of journalists, brings me coffee and asks me to wait. Everything from her plastic Mouse ears to her puffy-sleeved chiffon top is a reminder of Mickey’s illustrious past. She disappears into the pop of technicolour that is Mickey’s mansion, the moment Mr Mouse comes out for the interview.

N: You look well! Seems like retirement agrees with you.

M: (Scoffs) Oh boy! Everything agrees with you when you’re Mickey Mouse, kiddo. You can grab all opportunities by… and large (coughs).

N: So it’s Walt’s 115th birthday. Looking back, how do you feel about those days? When Disney was brand new and there was an Oswald before Mickey.

M: Oswald didn’t have a chance, let me tell you that. Walt made Oswald as a first draft for me. He had potential, I had promise. But Walt and I had it difficult, in the beginning. Walt was in some James Herriot frame of mind, you know, like that Fantastic Beasts boy. He was sampling cows and dogs and shit. I think you guys call it the Pokémon syndrome or something. This new-age talent is so plastic. So anyway, we didn’t have it easy. But when the world got a load of my Steamboat Willie, it was never the same again.

N: Yes, but Walt?

M: Yeah Walt was there too. But it was my Willie on TV dude…

N: Of course. So what was Walt like, in the ’60s? Was it as glorious as they say?

M: I got a lot of tail, to be honest, so it was fucking phenomenal. But then they removed my tail, so a big part of the charm was gone. At the awards, Walt dominated, while I ruled the party scene. And what a scene it was, kid. Mickey and Mick’s weekend banger-hanger.

N: Mick?

M: Mick Jagger, jeez. Are you some sort of a Belieber or some shit?

N: No no, I love Black Sabbath. But moving on. Our readers would love to know a little bit about Walt’s private side? Some stories that we haven’t heard…

M: Here’s all you need to know okay? That guy could drink. He could out-drink a sailor about to be drafted for the war three hours before the ship. Walt would drink more than Led Zep on tour. What a guy. That’s where the Mickey Mouse Club House was born.

N: You auditioned at parties?



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